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4 Joys of Being a Gay Mom in a Heteronormative World

Updated: Feb 12

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In a world that often assumes heterosexuality as the norm, the increasing visibility of Queer representation (The "Let's go lesbians!" audio on TikTok collectively has more than 11 million views!) is helping to make the identity of gay moms more celebrated and embraced. And even though lesbian motherhood comes with its own set of hurdles and challenges, it comes with so much joy, too.

“I'm not sure I ever used the phrase "I'm going to be a lesbian mom!" in my own girlhood,” Mary Malia, the founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, told Your Tango in an article. But she did become one, and it opened up a whole new world of lessons, and wonderful moments to cherish.

Like many lesbian moms will tell you, the dream and desire for motherhood is deep and special, and nothing beats when your child is finally a part of your everyday life. Amidst the crazy school pickups, and soccer practice, remember and reflect on these four joys of being a gay mom in today’s world, below.

How To Embrace the Joys of Lesbian Motherhood

1. Showing your children how loved they are, for who they are

One of the biggest joys, in our opinion, of being a gay mom is showing your children that no matter what, they will be loved for who they are. “A vital factor in my finally coming out as being a mother and realizing I wanted my children to live their truths and know that they would be loved and accepted,” Malia shared, “I wanted them to know they would not be harshly judged for who they are or who they love.”

As queer women, we come face to face with embracing and loving ourselves and our sexuality. In motherhood, we get the chance to showcase that love and acceptance to our children, the little ones who need it most. No matter what, they can remember that they can come to us with anything, without judgment.

2. We forge stronger bonds

Even though we’ve made a lot of advances as a society, we still live in a heteronormative world, which often brings gay families even closer together. We’re lucky to often have such strong, loving bonds with those in our inner circle — our partners, our children and even our chosen families — who understand being queer in a world that doesn’t always feel it makes space for them. 

3. We can be present for our children

“When it comes to my kids, I'm a mom first and a lesbian second. My heart breaks for and soars with them as I watch them navigate this crazy world we live in,” she says, “The thing children want most from their parents, whether they're lesbian, straight, gay, bi, trans or whatever, is the security of knowing they are loved deeply and that we are present.”

Being a lesbian mom often makes us show our love by being present, listening deeply and teaching by example — something many of us craved deeply and didn’t get as children from our own parents — and our experience allows us to give what we always wanted and needed. There is great joy in that. 

“I know if I keep listening to them, every once in a while, they will want to listen to me, their mother who just happens to be a lesbian, too,” Malia explains.

4. Getting to learn from our little ones

Although our little ones may not be little forever, it’s okay for us to think of them that way. After all, they will always have a special place in our hearts, and as they grow, we get to enjoy learning and growing with them too.

“I've always said my children forced me to grow up in ways nothing else in life ever did,” Malia shares. Every day, we as lesbian moms get to learn from our children, just as much as they learn from us. And that is a great joy.

Being a Lesbian Mom in a Hetero World

Sure, we know life has its never-ending stuff, but we think it’s truly amazing to be able to be the lesbian mothers that we are. We’re lucky to walk a path of resilience, love, and self-acceptance, that we can pass down to our kiddos, too. 

“My values as a mother have always been an expression of loving my children, wanting them to find their path, knowing my role is to help them learn how to succeed in a world that is full of uncertainty,” Malia says, “The one thing they can always be certain of is my love for them and my belief that they are amazing individuals who can and should do what is in their hearts.”

Lesbian motherhood is a great joy — so celebrate it!


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