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Dreaming of Motherhood: As a Young Saphhic

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Brooklyn Heights is one of the most serene & family-friendly suburbs of New York City. It also happens to be one of my favorite places in the world. Plenty of quaint cafés, magical historical landmarks, and beautiful architecture. The best mornings are on the Promenade, watching babies being pushed in strollers by their nannies or parents chasing their wild toddlers down, who always throw a playful smile toward me. 


Brooklyn, NY

Just the other day, my sister and I went on an afternoon walk and passed a little boy bundled in a navy-blue puffer coat. 


“Look! I found treasure,” he exclaimed loudly, pointing to a brassy-worn emblem in the concrete. It made me smile. More often than not, on these adorable interactions I turn to my sister and say, “Oh! I want one of those right now!” To which she replies, “You don’t need one of those right now, trust me.” 


I know she is right. I’m not in a committed relationship, I recently came out to my entire family, don’t have an established career, and I’m still very young; weeks away from being in my twenties. 


From a young age, I’ve always known I wanted to be a mother. And when I realized that the only attraction, I had towards men was a product of comphet, or compulsory heterosexuality, the vision I had of becoming a mother changed. 


 

Exploring fertility journeys


When I came out to my family, thankfully, one of the only concerns my relatives had were about my ability to have kids. To me, nothing about my sexuality determines my ability to have and raise children. I know I have options, whether it’s adoption or IVF, both of which are extremely complicated, mentally draining, and financially taxing. Personally, I’d like to have kids in my thirties. Which means I have to do research and start saving up money now. On average, to have a baby through IVF it ranges anywhere from $15,000-$30,000. This doesn’t begin to account for the rest of the money it will take for diapers, food, baby gear, and hospital bills when the time comes to give birth. 


One thing that has been beneficial to me, has been listening to a lot of people’s fertility journeys. One of the most notable couples being Julie and Camilla Lorentzen who documented their entire IVF journey on TikTok. Before they got married they started their IVF journey. Their embryo transfers began in November 2022. In November 2023 Julie gave birth to their little boy. In between however, there were many complications and setbacks, including embryo failures and miscarriages, which is unfortunately very common in fertility journeys. 


I already have some personal fear surrounding pregnancy and its hardships, but when adding so many other stress factors it can be very overwhelming to think about. Hearing people’s own experiences has become a beacon of hope for me and, I'm sure, so many others in the LBGTQ+ community.


 

Knowing discrimination will exist (but it shouldn’t stop me)


The LGBTQ+ community has, and continues, to face unnecessary judgment and hostility from society. It’s especially potent when people in the community decide to have children. Parents face unruly rejection in adoption agencies due to discrimination, have a harder time finding people that can support them, and deal with constant discrimination and hatred. Many receiving comments like: 


“A child deserves to have a Mom and Dad” 

“So which one of you is the Mother? There can only be one.” 

“You’re gonna make your child gay.”


The list continues. 


Pregnancy, birth, and raising a child is already extremely difficult, no matter your sexuality. As a young queer woman it is terrifying to think that not just me, but my future partner or child could face harsh adversity from society just because of who they love. It has only become more of an incentive to open conversations around the acceptance and normalization of our community. Human beings deserve to feel seen, loved, and capable of living a life they want to live without fear. It’s heartwarming to me that there are queer spaces, like Gay Mom’s Club,  that are able to provide support for those considering parenthood and to those who are in the midst of it.


 

Focusing on love & beauty 


Yes, envisioning the practicalities of motherhood has been a lot to wrap my head around. But not all wonderful and beautiful things in life come without obstacles and hardship. Though I had to shift my view on “how” I was going to become a Mom, the “why” has stayed the same. 


To bring to the world and raise a capable, kind, intelligent, and loving human being. Someone that finds out who they are and lives a life they are proud of living. 


In my view, having a child should bring even more love into the world. When done with good intentions, it is a selfless act. Some people are meant to raise children and some don’t feel they are, which is valid and rightful to them. Every part of the world and nature is unique, complex, and beautiful. It is this I choose to focus on in my journey throughout life and into motherhood.


 

Support LGBTQ+ Small Business! Join the Gay Moms Club and champion small business while celebrating LGBTQ+ motherhood.

By signing up for a Club Membership, you’re not just supporting a vibrant and growing community; you’re also empowering small business within the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Embrace diversity, support local entrepreneurs, and be a part of a movement that fosters inclusivity, one membership at a time.

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